The Gift of Curiosity.
Journey with a teenager long enough, and they'll likely share many things with you. When we become a safe space for a teenager, they will unload their doubts and fears or even their dreams and ambitions. As parents, mentors, or ministry leaders, this is our goal, isn’t it? We want to be the safe space that children and teens know they can turn to with their toughest questions and any issues of life. Yet, when they express doubts about faith and the existence of God, it can feel pretty personal.
As ministry leaders, we dedicate countless hours each week to thinking and dreaming about different things we can do to positively impact the faith of our students. Our goal is to lay the foundation of a faith that’s carried with them long into their adulthood. So we immerse ourselves in study, write sermons, plan lock-ins, and retreats, recruit volunteers, follow youth culture, take note of trends, and innovate to the best of our abilities, only to hear a student essentially say, “none of it worked.” I know many teenagers won’t come right out and say that. But it’s nothing like having someone question everything you’ve said to make you feel like nothing you said mattered.
In recent years, the term "deconstruction" has been used more and more frequently to describe the experience of someone who is working to reconcile their beliefs. Deconstruction typically occurs when an identity-forming belief doesn’t remain true amid a real-life experience. An identity-forming belief is a belief that we allow to shape our thoughts and actions. Simply stated, if it’s something we believe and it causes us to think a certain way or do certain things (or not do certain things) – it’s an identity-forming belief. Yet just because someone is asking questions about faith doesn’t mean they’re “deconstructing” their faith. Deconstruction is the process of working to discover a new faith narrative that will remain true regardless of what life throws its way.
Here’s a pretty big example: The relationship between people of African descent and Christianity can feel pretty complicated. The effects of colonization on Christianity have left many wondering or even believing that Christianity was just another thing Africans were forced to practice during the years of enslavement. Some of the teenagers within our ministries might be asking questions about whether Christianity is “ours.” In recent years, more and more teens have begun exploring spiritual practices like centering and have been exploring the sacred and holy through the universe and within nature. (Listen to The BOON Podcast Episode 09 - The Black Experience in Christianity for more on this. Episode available October 10, 2023)
Whether a teenager is asking questions because they’re actually deconstructing their faith or if they’re asking questions because they’re just curious, the reality is the fact that they’re asking questions is a good thing. It’s one of the best gifts they can give their faith journey. I know it may not sound like something to celebrate, but even amid their uncertainty and doubt, their questions can strategically position them to develop a lifelong faith with an even stronger foundation.
Here’s why:
QUESTIONS = CURIOSITY. Oftentimes, we equate questions with doubt. While doubt might be present, if someone is asking questions, it also means they’re curious. As long as someone is curious about something, it means they haven’t shut down the idea altogether. Would you rather a teenager watch and wonder from the outside? Or dive in and ask questions? Curiosity is something we should encourage because it produces new insights. I once heard someone say, “curiosity is the bridge between “I wonder” and “I understand.”
For those of us who grew up in more traditional Black Churches, the message we grew up with was clear: "Don't question God." While I understand the goal behind that teaching was to instill a faith that trusts God, I’m also very challenged by it. Forbidding questions indirectly communicates that God wants us to follow blindly. Yet, the free will God offers is a key indicator that God doesn’t want us to be coerced into a relationship. God desires for us to choose God independently. The clearer we are about what we’re “choosing,” the more confidently we are able to walk in it. This is true for adults, teenagers, and even children.
Having a kid or teenager comfortable enough to express their doubts and questions challenges a narrative that’s been passed down for many generations regarding the openness that God has for our questions. When we dispel this kind of generational misinformation, it has the potential to prevent significant deconstructions later in life. Reshaping this for an entire generation will leave them connected to a God who is strong enough to handle their questions.
ARTICULATE FAITH. By encouraging students to wrestle with certain thoughts, we help move them one step closer to articulating their faith. Here’s what I mean by that. Have you ever tried to ask a question about something you didn’t understand? In order to communicate a question, you first must find the language that matches your thoughts and feelings. When a student asks questions or has doubts regarding faith, they are forced to put language to the things they find confusing. Verbalizing questions requires us to put words with internal thoughts and feelings. When these questions and thoughts remain in our minds, they’re not as fleshed out as they would be if we were trying to help someone else understand what we think or feel.
Aside from being able to quote the Apostle’s Creed verbatim, knowing how to articulate your faith isn’t always easy. The process of asking a question about faith gives language to beliefs. This is beneficial not just in church but also in life. When a person can articulate their faith, it becomes a deeper, more personal part of their life. They own their beliefs, and this ownership makes faith more resilient. This provides them with a stronger faith foundation that will be able to withstand many tests that life will throw their way.
Journeying with a teenager through this requires attentiveness. Here are a few things that might be helpful as you support a teenager who is on an exploratory journey.
1. Be Available: Let them know that nothing they say can ever make you or God stop loving them. Your unwavering support is their anchor.
2. Let Them Be: Avoid trying to force them out of their doubts or questions. Respect their journey, and give them the time they need to explore their faith.
3. Reflect on Your Approach: Yes, share your faith and beliefs, but not before you ask what they personally think or believe. They should do more talking than you. Put yourself in their shoes. Ask yourself if you'd be happy to listen to or walk with you through this experience.
4. Don't Neglect Them: Stay connected. Continue to nurture the relationship, even if it means adapting to their evolving spiritual journey.
5. Remember Parents: Parents might be aware of what’s going on; they might not. Use your judgment regarding whether or not parents need to be a part of the conversation. Should they be brought into the conversation, maintain open communication.
The journey of faith with a teenager may feel intimidating, but it can also be an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding. By fostering an environment where questions are welcome, we empower the younger generation to build a faith that is not just inherited but personally owned. It's a path worth encouraging, for in the midst of it, we may find the seeds of a more profound, resilient faith taking root.
