An Appropriate Response.
I had been serving as Youth Pastor at this church for five years when I received a phone call from the Senior Pastor saying one of the teenagers had done something completely out of character. I won’t go into all of the details but it was major. The family was shocked and scared for their child, so they called the Senior Pastor to seek support. After their conversation, the Pastor called to inform me of what happened and recommended I contact the family.
I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why did they call the Senior Pastor instead of me?” I thought about how I viewed my relationship with that teenager as a model Youth Pastor - Teen relationship. I genuinely loved and felt connected with the family and I thought the feelings were mutual. At the moment, I felt overlooked and baffled at how, within those five years (yes, FIVE years) the family still had not seen me as a “first responder.”
Over the years since I’ve realized that the parents called the Senior Pastor because they needed their pastor and not their child’s pastor. But truth be told, as the pastor shared the situation with me, I had no clue what I would have said to the family had they called me first. I had no idea what response would have been appropriate for that horrible situation. My inexperience with supporting families amid crises would have probably caused me to fumble over my words and land on an emotionless, “Dang, that’s jacked up. Wanna pray?”
There are some situations that families experience that leave us lost for words.
These are the situations where cliches aren’t powerful enough to fill the space.
Situations where throwing out 21 open-ended questions won’t make you feel like you’ve provided care.
Some situations cause you to be so lost for words, that you fear the prayer ending “Amen” because you know it’ll need to be followed by more words. Words you must find and speak.
If you’ve yet to find yourself in a situation with a child, teenager, or family that has caused you to be speechless, just hang on, your day is coming. Yet when that day arrives, hopefully, you’ll remember some of these words and have a few tools to offer an appropriate response.
What is an appropriate response? Whenever I think about how to respond to a crisis, I always think about Jesus’ approach to the storm found in three of the four Gospels (Matthew 8:23-27, Mark 4:35-41, Luke 8:22-25).
The wind was blowing hard and heavy.
Waves were crashing higher than the boat.
The disciples were in a panic because they thought they were about to drown.
But Jesus was sound asleep amid it all. When he is awakened and the Disciples share with him their fear, Jesus doesn’t join them in panic. He simply calms the storm.
As ministry leaders, we are required to do the same. Be it a death, divorce, academic challenges, mental health challenges, molestation, homelessness, poor choices, food insecurity, abuse of all forms, abandonment, you name it, our children, youth, and families aren’t exempt and do experience these very real daggers of life. These wildest, most unexpected situations require us to be able to be the peace amid a storm.
When I say “peace,” I don’t mean an unbothered aloof, emotionless presence. Instead, I mean the exact opposite - a compassionate and empathetic presence. It’s not a presence that says, “Everything will be okay.” Instead, it’s a presence that communicates, “You have what it takes to weather this storm.” It’s a presence that encourages people not to give up.
Sometimes, this peace presents itself as a “ministry of presence.” When offering the ministry of presence, we reduce the distractions around us and embrace togetherness.
In these moments we accept that not all empty space needs to be filled with words but it is our peaceful presence that is doing the work. Just think back to the Garden of Gethsemane when Jesus’ soul was “deeply grieved” (Mark 14:34). He took Peter, James, and John and wanted them to stay awake with him while he prayed. Jesus was seeking the ministry of presence from his Disciples.
The ministry of presence could also look like hanging out, playing a game, or watching a movie. It’s just whatever being together needs to look like for them at that moment. The goal is to be with the child, teen, or family who needs you. Studies show that children and teens benefit from a sense of connectedness. Feeling connected to others can protect adolescents from poor mental health and other risks like drug use and violence (which are often triggered by challenges in life).
Sometimes, our presence requires words. Knowing when to speak and when to remain silent does come with experience. But there are a few hacks we can use to know when to speak and what to say.
If you ever find yourself lost for words, here are two things you can do:
Find the feeling you’re experiencing and speak that truth. If that truth is, “Oh no this is awful. My heart hurts for you. I’m speechless. How are you handling this?” That shows way more compassion than throwing out a cliche. Oftentimes, we’re lost for words when we try to find fancy, memorable words, instead of just speaking the truth of our feelings and building upon that. Just don’t dominate the conversation with your feelings, this is still about them and not you.
Pull something out of your back pocket. It’s helpful to have some canned phrases in your back pocket that you’re ready to say should you need them. Take a few minutes and think of a few phrases that sound authentically you and hold on to them for when you need them. There is nothing wrong or inauthentic about preparing what you will say.
If you ever find yourself doing more talking than listening, you’re probably talking too much. People rarely remember all of what we say. What they remember is our presence and how we make them feel. So, if you’re wondering if you’re talking too much, try being quiet and see what happens. If you’re in person, try shifting into a ministry of presence by saying, “Do you mind if I just hang out here with you for a bit?”
What does an appropriate response do? There’s something about journeying with someone through a challenging situation that expedites a bond. Sharing a painful truth requires vulnerability. Should someone within the ministry we lead choose to open up, an appropriate response expresses understanding, empathy, and even a willingness to engage constructively. It provides safety amid a storm. It lets people know you want to be there for you as much as they’ll let you.
When we offer an “appropriate response” we build a bridge between us and the other person. Through this bridge, we have the potential to help someone experiencing a tough time to get a glimpse of God’s peaceful presence amid their personal storm.
This sorta goes without saying, but we’d be negligent if we didn’t, so - know local agencies, support groups, organizations and hotlines within your local community. Having this goes a long way in being able to provide instant support.
